Why I moved out and he kept the house

Why I moved out

and he kept the house

September 26, 2024

It’s surprisingly challenging to find specific statistics about divorce, especially when it comes to the distribution of property and custody.

I was particularly interested in knowing how often the woman retains the house and majority custody of the children while the man moves out and becomes the weekend parent. It seems like this should be the most common outcome, but I’m struggling to find concrete data to support this assumption.

In short, the financial aspect played a significant role in this decision. The math simply didn’t work out in my favor.

My situation deviates from the norm. I was a stay-at-home mom for nine years, ever since our oldest son was about 8 months old. We had a second son two years after the first, and our daughter came along three years later.

I thoroughly enjoyed being the primary caregiver for my family, providing in-home daycare and nurturing our children. However, it’s important to acknowledge that it wasn’t always an easy or enjoyable experience. It was emotionally, physically, and mentally demanding, and it often felt chaotic and stressful. Despite these challenges, I cherished the opportunity to be home with my kids and made the difficult decision to prioritize their well-being over any other career opportunity.

Unfortunately, this choice also meant that when I decided to end our marriage, I lacked the financial resources to move out. The marriage itself had insufficient funds, and my ex was unable to afford to move out while still covering the household expenses. As a result, we were stuck together due to the lack of financial means to live apart.

We cohabitated for seven months after the end of our relationship. During this time, he occupied the master bedroom, while I moved into my four-year-old daughter’s room. While those seven months were challenging and emotionally taxing for both of us, I was able to continue living with my children throughout the period.

As I mentioned earlier, there was no additional financial support. After being unemployed for a decade, I had to secure a job and save up a security deposit to move out. Why did I choose to move out rather than him, you ask?

My therapist keeps asking me this very question.

To me, it ultimately boiled down to practical considerations. He had a full-time job that barely covered all the family expenses. He couldn’t take on a second job to afford a separate place to live. I knew that securing a job that would cover the home’s expenses would be challenging, but it might be enough to cover the living costs in a small apartment.

I couldn’t afford the services of an expensive divorce lawyer to provide me with alternative advice. I lacked any understanding of divorce law or the norms regarding what a woman, married for 11 years and financially dependent on her spouse, was entitled to. I simply focused on the numbers in front of me.

I couldn’t rely on him anymore. I needed a job, and it seemed most logical for me to be the one to move out.

One thing I insisted on was waiting until I could afford an apartment where the kids could stay with me overnight. This decision wasn’t driven by custody arrangements. It was made to prioritize the well-being of my children in this challenging situation. I wanted to ensure they had quality time with me. Therefore, I prioritized finding a three-bedroom apartment. Each boy got his own room, and I shared a room with my daughter.

I finally found an apartment that fit my needs, although it was beyond my budget. I received enough financial assistance from various legal sources to secure the place, and I would figure out how to manage the rent once I moved in. Living on my own was a new experience for me, especially after getting married. This was the first place that truly felt like mine. While my mother had to help me cover my rent for the first year, being in my own space has been crucial to my healing process.

So, on November 11, eight months after our relationship ended, I moved out. November 11 was significant because it marked the twelfth anniversary of our first date, November 11, 2011. It was a date that seemed to bookend this chapter of my life my life, a perfect fit.

I had been diligently packing up my belongings for months, even dragging most of it downstairs into the garage to make it easier to load into the family van, which my ex had kindly “loaned” me for the day. I made five trips, each time carrying a loaded van from my old home to my new one.

I brought my books, a few shelves, and all my extensive art supplies and projects. I also included a few boxes of my children’s toys and books, my desk, a brown armchair, a TV, and a lamp. These items, along with my clothes, were all I took with me to embark on this new chapter of my life.

Over the initial few weeks at my new place, I requested a few additional items, such as a ladder (since my ex had two), a snow shovel (another two), a fan (two), and Allen wrenches (approximately 74). I only asked for things that I knew my ex had extras of.

It took several months of searching for used furniture and receiving numerous hand-me-down home goods, but I was finally able to transform my living space. For the first time in my life, I had a place that truly belonged to me. I had the freedom to decide where everything went, what went on the walls, and how I wanted to arrange the furniture.

While this experience was incredibly liberating for me, it was not without its challenges. I’ll delve deeper into these challenges in another post.

For now, I want to express my gratitude for taking the time to read this. Please prioritize your well-being and take care of yourself.

~Xenia